Losing a partner to bereavement is not something you are likely to come to terms with quickly. Learning to live as a widow will take courage and practice. In time you will be getting on with your life not as a widow but as a single woman.
Surprisingly, if you’re left with children and a demanding job it is possible that you’ll find your feet rather more quickly than if you are home alone and not busy. Children, especially, are a huge driving force to move you on and your mind will be on their wellbeing much more than yours.
This is not an excuse to ignore your needs, physically or mentally, but it does mean that each morning is kick-started with a ‘raison d’etre’ that cannot be ignored.
The more your thoughts are occupied with the need to carry on for the sake of your children/job/day to day responsibilities, the better it will be for you.
In time you will hopefully have settled into a routine and feel that you’re on top of things. There will be days that are more challenging than others, when you feel you can’t or don’t want to carry on, but by being busy and involved your recovery, such as it is, will surely come.
At some point in time you may even want to start dating again. This is nothing to feel guilty about and initially, is something you can ponder on your own. When you think the time is right then talk to friends, especially if they are also single, and explore what possibilities are out there for you.
It could be that one of your friends will know someone who could well be an interesting proposition for you. There are, of course, numerous classes, sports clubs and meet-up groups that you can investigate. You may even want to explore the possibilities presented by online dating.
If you do feel ready to date again, don’t leave it too long before you look for that special someone . Life is too short to sit about wondering if you’re doing the right thing. Dating should be fun and getting to know someone in the early stages can be very exciting and the outcome can be a revelation.
If you’re a widow or widower, the prospect of seeking a new relationship brings with it the possibility of upsetting the status quo.
With this in mind you may need to tread carefully when you decide to tell your in-laws that you’re thinking of dating again. They might be pleased for you, of course, but they may also be hurt and afraid that they could lose you and the association they have with you. Worse still, for them, will be the fear that they may also lose their grandchildren, if there are any.
If possible it is better to wait a few months after meeting someone before you suggest bringing the in-laws into the frame. Tell them you’re dating by all means, but keep it loose and let it seem light-hearted. As time passes, if they see that you’ve developed a sound friendship and the new partner is restoring your happiness and showing a genuine interest in you and your family, they are more likely to accept the situation.
When you think the time is right to bring them together, introduce your in-laws to your new friend by their first names. Adding ‘my in-laws’ to the introduction will immediately underline that they are not only friends but they are also an integral part of your family. If they truly care about you, they will be pleased in the long term and if you have made every effort to make them feel included in your life, it will be easier for them to accept the situation.
It is inevitable that there will be emotional highs and lows at this time. There will be anniversaries marking particular events that you shared with your spouse and I doubt you will want to ignore these. Make it a special occasion where the in-laws and any children share the event together. Explain to your partner that it is important you have this time with your family in order to make every one know you have not forgotten their son/daughter. Over time this will not be so necessary as one hopes that your in-laws will have come to terms that there is someone else in your life. In the early days, however, I see it as being a good way to keep everyone on your side.
Should you find yourself in the situation where your in-laws just cannot come to terms with the thought of someone else usurping their son/daughter’s role, you will have to have a serious discussion with them, especially if you’re still young. Explain that you do not want to spend the rest of your life on your own. Try and assure them that your partner would have wanted you to be happy and that you are not trying to replace him/her.
Help them to understand that you are adding a new dimension to your life, which has been shaped by your marriage or partnership with their son/daughter. They will know deep down that they are expecting too much of you and will hopefully, gradually accept the situation. Whatever you do, avoid keeping the relationship a secret. This will make it that much harder for them to accept when the news gets out and will reflect very badly upon you.
If there are children involved, make a concerted effort to arrange visits to the grandparents and encourage all of them to keep in touch on a regular basis. Organising visits, meet-ups and easy interaction in between, is so easy to do these days.
Any changes going on in your life and theirs can be shared and mutually discussed and understood. If you have always had a good relationship with your in-laws, the chances are they will be pleased to see you moving on and if you make an effort to involve them they will be pleased to be part of your future.
There is no real code of conduct for introducing someone new to your in-laws after bereavement. If it has been a while since your partner’s death, then it will no doubt be easier than if it is seemingly too soon after. This could be a difficult time for your new partner as well, as he/she will be aware that the presence of in-laws in your life will be a constant reminder of your late partner. If he/she is kind and understanding with you, it is hoped they will be the same with your bereaved partner’s family.
Moving on after bereavement can be a difficult time for you: also for those close to you. Providing you’re not rushing into things, making new friends is healthy progress. Whatever direction you take, you will always have memories that can be with you forever but not necessarily restricting your passage as you go forward.