How Long Should a Widow or Widower Wait Before Dating?

Coming to terms with widowhood

For a widow or widower, the idea of dating again after losing a partner will need plenty of consideration. Having intimately shared your life with someone, and with possible dreams for the future, the thought of finding someone else with whom you would want to share your life can feel strange and unsettling.

However, the void left within your heart and soul may harbour a longing to restore some of the comfort and joy that a relationship can bring.

Making changes

Immediately following bereavement, you and your family have to make adjustments. This can be a challenging time for a widow or widower. Coming to terms with this new life state can be hard.

An acceptance of death and the fact that a loved one is gone forever is difficult and your recovery and the acknowledgement of your loss will take time. You had become used to a certain way of life which included your partner. This may have been a blissfully happy journey, but perhaps in latter years a period of time that was overshadowed by a debilitating illness.

Caring for someone we love and who is unwell, possibly with little chance of recovery, will have been hard for both of you. Recovery from any kind of loss, sudden or anticipated, will take time. Facing up to what lays ahead and how you will deal with it will need courage.

Also, a long illness might have taken its toll on both of you. There may have been times when you were impatient with each other or over emotional and said things you wish you hadn’t. This is not something you should feel bad about and is a natural reaction to the anxiety and stress of such a situation. Now is the time to recall the good times you shared together.

Keeping those happier moments close to your heart

In the early days following bereavement, recalling these happier moments will be your armour and holding them close to your heart will keep you going. Hopefully, it will help you to come to terms with your loss. You need to be at peace with yourself before you can consider forming new relationships.

They say it takes two or three years to process the death of a partner, but everyone is different. There will be varying needs, emotional and practical. These needs should be confronted before you can seriously think about moving on.

Re-evaluating your future

It will take time to re-evaluate your future and how you will cope. Losing a partner can leave us feeling unsure of what could lie ahead and where it might take us. Getting used to being single again and the potential loneliness that can accompany this, is not an easy experience.

Trying to find your new normal will be challenging, but it is hoped that while you will most certainly have struggled at various stages of your grief, eventually you will come to terms with your situation and life will carry on.

Are you ready to meet other singles

After a period of time, and this will be different for everyone, having evaluated where your future lies, the idea that you might like to meet other singles could present itself.  Confronting the possibility of finding companionship and possibly, romance, would be a bold step. This is a brave decision but one that you should embrace if you would genuinely like to meet someone new.

In an ideal world we might hope that we find our perfect partner quite by chance. This is not an unlikely or impossible outcome – but could take some time. Making a plan and deciding upon on a strategy on how you might meet other singles will give you a sense of control over the situation.

There are plenty of organisations and clubs offering sporting facilities or other types of interests and if it takes a while for the right person to come along, at least you’re involved in activities that can give you a break from any feelings of sadness and loneliness.

You might want to try a dating website

Meeting singles online is also a good way to connect with others, especially if you’re feeling awkward or shy about meeting someone new. A dating website will give you the opportunity to chat online and will help you to feel comfortable as you get to know other singles, without the immediate need to decide whether or not you would like to meet up. 

It’s worth noting that whilst a romantic relationship is perhaps the ideal resolution for some, making platonic friends with those who are empathetic can also be rewarding, especially in the early days.

It’s understandable to have reservations about dating again

It’s quite normal to need time before deciding to join an online dating site, or other sources that exist to bring people together. However, feeling the need for human companionship can be quite overwhelming and looking for someone to fill the void is nothing to feel embarrassed or awkward about. Even in the early days following your loss, you may crave the warmth of another relationship to help you recover, but acting on impulse is not the answer.

Confidence is everything

Take a good long look at yourself before you take steps to find that certain someone. Are you making the best of yourself? Would it be a good idea to have a new hairstyle and a few new clothes to update your wardrobe?

Knowing that you are looking your best will help to put you on your front foot and ready for what could lie ahead. Whilst it may seem a leap in the dark to imagine yourself with someone new,  providing you have given yourself plenty of time to come to terms with your loss, there is little to lose.

If you find yourself feeling uncomfortable in the process, it may be that it is too soon. Should this be the case, you might want to reconsider your plans and put things on hold until you feel more confident about where your future lies.

Feeling guilty about dating again?

Guilt is an inevitable outcome once you actually find yourself meeting other singles. This is something you have to come to terms with and could take some time. At any age, there is no shame in wanting to share your life with a loving partner.

Wanting to be part of a couple again is perfectly natural and dating sites, apps and singles clubs exist to fulfil this need. Hesitancy is not an unknown reaction at this time. It may be that you have not had a long enough period of time, following bereavement, to feel comfortable about dating again. Only you will know when you are ready.

Everyone’s experience is different and there are no hard and fast criteria to make things happen quickly or more effectively. Sometimes it takes a while for the right person to come along. Taking your time and building a relationship gradually, can be a blessing.

This is where dating websites can be helpful; providing the opportunity to get to know someone through exchanging private messages before you commit to meeting up. Some sites also have video facilities. At widowsorwidowers.com our video facility will help you to get to know each other and make the right decisions about whether or not you would be suited to each other.

Widowsorwidowers.com offer you the opportunity to make decisions in your own time, so no pressure!

Because you’re taking this step ‘remotely’, you make decisions in your own time and have no reason to feel under pressure about who to talk to and who to connect with. You will know when you feel comfortable about meeting up with someone. By following the recommended guidelines* about meeting up for the first time, you should feel confident about your next step. Also, the person you are meeting is likely to be feeling as apprehensive as you are, especially if this is early days for them, too.

If you have a friend who is also widowed, you may want to encourage them to join with you. Sharing experiences is a good way of testing the water and at the very least you can compare notes!

One in three relationships start online

Widowsorwidowers.com have statistically proven that one in three relationships start online and this is second only to meeting a partner through friends. Joining an online dating community is accepting you’re ready to move on.

Some people who have used a dating website will tell you that to begin with they had their reservations, and this is not unusual. But with over sixteen years of bringing widows and widowers together, we can attest that once you’ve dipped your toe in the water, you will wonder why you left it so long!

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*Initially, we always recommend you make arrangements to meet up with someone during day time; for coffee, perhaps; and it goes without saying, always tell a friend or family member where you are and what you’re doing. Never disclose your address or any other personal information on a first date. It is hoped you will know when you’re comfortable enough to do this.