How Long Should a Widow or Widower Wait Before Remarrying?

How you’re feeling and what you want from the future

We are often asked, how long should a widow or widower wait before marrying again. This is a topic that brings with it many issues worthy of consideration. What are your feelings regarding the loss of your partner? How emotionally ready are you for a romantic encounter? How will your children and wider family respond, and what are your hopes for the future? Seeking a relationship with the expectation that it could help you to work through your heartache, is unlikely to be a solution.

Contemplating whether this is the right time to remarry needs plenty of forethought. Taking such a bold step too soon, could bring a great deal of disappointment to either, or both of you. This could be especially bad if one of you felt more content than the other, especially if they, too, are widowed. Having to walk away from someone who thought they had found happiness with a new partner could be quite devastating. Not only would one of you be feeling disappointed and let down, but the other could find themselves feeling guilty and unable to make reparation.

Letting some time pass between losing your partner and seeking someone new is far better than rushing into things. Even if you’re really lonely, allowing yourself some space before considering marriage, or indeed a romantic attachment, is probably advisable. This is not to say that if you find yourself literally swept off your feet, you should not respond. This might not happen that often, but it can and does happen sometimes. In either case, what matters is that you feel in a stable position with regards to welcoming somebody new into your life.

Allowing yourself plenty of time to grieve

It is important that you have sufficiently grieved for your previous partner before moving on. The prospect of marriage is a big step and you should feel that you are adequately healed and ready for someone new. The reality of being in another serious relationship can stir feelings that may lie deep within you, and which have yet to be confronted. Waiting until you’ve reached a place of balance and relative peace within your head and heart is a much better platform on which to consider dating again. Asking yourself what you want out of the next phase of your life is an important step and you will need to give an honest appraisal about what your immediate needs and priorities are. If you rush into a new relationship without having grieved, you may make choices that are not a true reflection of what you’re really looking for.

When the time is right, romance will most likely present itself when you’re least expecting it. Letting yourself enjoy warmth and affection with someone new is fine. Take your time and make the most of every minute. You deserve this upturn in your life!

As author and speaker Carole Brody Fleet touches upon in her book ‘Happily Even After’:

“It is possible to create a new life without forgetting about your past. Treasuring the memories you shared with your previous partner and carrying their legacy forward into the next phase of your life will ultimately lead to richer and more meaningful relations.”

Mementos and their value throughout the house

It is understandable that you should want photographs and other reminders of your late partner arranged about your house. These are an important reminder of the happiness you once shared and will be particularly important if you have young children. Once you introduce your new partner to them and into your life, they will need reassurance that your feelings for their absent mother/father are as strong as they ever were. Gradually helping them to understand that your new partner is not meant to be a replacement, but a new friend who is helping you to feel happy again will help them to accept that their late mother/father will never be forgotten. As time passes you may want to put some of these reminders away.

Moving forward with your new partner

To remarry with the sole purpose of filling a void left by your partner, will most likely lead to confusion and suffering further down the line. Spending time discussing the prospect of marriage and the changes it may involve for both of you, will help create a clearer picture of what might be in store. Introduce your partner to friends and family and get their opinion about the possibility of you getting married to the new man/woman in your life. They may provide the guidance you were perhaps missing. Assuming they know you well, you might receive some good advice, or they could help you to see things from a different perspective. This doesn’t necessarily mean a negative reaction, but a broader outlook on what could lie ahead.

If you feel your partner is putting pressure on you, or your friends and family are encouraging you to move on, you need to speak-up and express any concerns you may have. It can be easy to get carried away and to convince yourself something is right for you, when deep down your heart may be telling you something else. Asking to be given space to work through these feelings is crucial and should ensure that you don’t make the mistake of entering into a long-term commitment before the time is right.

Someone with whom you feel connected, and who understands your loss, is certainly worth holding on to! If they give you the space you need when significant anniversaries or dates come up, then you can be reassured that you’re involving yourself with somebody who genuinely loves and cares about you.

This could also mean, if you have children, especially young children, that your new partner might potentially fill the parental space left by your previous partner. Whilst it’s unlikely they will be able to completely achieve this, there’s definitely something to be said about the benefits and stability this could bring. A second marriage to someone who genuinely loves you and embraces all aspects of your life is something worth nurturing and treasuring.

Remarriage when the time is right

When a widow or widower remarries, there are also important arrangements to be made about financial assets. As much as this is an area that should never get in the way of love and friendship, it’s important to approach this side of your life fairly and without any embarrassment. Ensuring you protect anything of lasting value to you and your family’s long-term security is important. Your partner’s future security will also be equally important and must also be considered.

Summary

Remarriage after becoming widowed is definitely not about forgetting your previous partner. Making sure you have grieved, and asking yourself what you want from the next phase of your life, as well as considering any practical needs crucial to your well-being, will allow you to come to a decision reflecting the best interests for all concerned.

Trying to imagine being married or committed to someone else will no doubt have its difficulties. If your partner is also widowed, then he/she will most likely be sharing some of your concerns. Hopefully, you will be able to talk about these anxieties and reassure each other and finally reach a happy outcome.

With or without re-marriage, enjoying a loving relationship again is something to cherish and enjoy. You will both have your own ideas about the future, and will hopefully reach a happy medium as you build a new life together.